Horse-Buying Humor!
Horse Buyers Glossary ~ Truth in
Advertising
(Check This Before Checking the Ads!)
SPIRITED: psychotic
INTELLIGENT: can open its stall and sometimes the feed room too
SENSITIVE: if you sneeze, you're toast
DEPENDABLE: you can depend upon him to eat all his feed
DETERMINED: that you ain't going to ride him
FRIENDLY: spoiled rotten and refuses to be caught unless bribed by repeated
treats
LIKES PEOPLE: ate owner's finger
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for
a week
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked
anyone for a month
SUITABLE FOR PROFESSIONAL: takes two men and a boy to saddle him
ATHLETIC: can really buck.
SNAFFLE MOUTH: runaway with any bit
ENDURANCE PROSPECT: runaway and slow
FIELD HUNTER: runaway and can't jump
CONFORMATION HUNTER: fat and can't jump
DRESSAGE PROSPECT: can't jump
JUMPER PROSPECT: bad mover
LIGHT MOUTH: rears
GOOD MOUTH: for Arnold Schwartzenagger
CORRECT CONFORMATION: has a head, tail and the appropriate number of legs
BIG BONED: skinny, good thing he has a mane, or he would be mistaken for
a cow
FIT: 200 lbs under weight and hot as a pistol
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him
yet
TOP SHOW HORSE: was Reserve Champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually
low entries due to tornado warnings
TRAIL HORSE: fine, as long there are no cows, children, vehicles, or white
ponies in sight
VERSATILE CHILDS PONY: two speeds: graze and run off
SAFE CHILDS PONY: foundered
SHOULD MATURE 14 HANDS: currently 12 hands, dam is 12.2, sire is 12.3,
every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 12.3, but THIS horse
will defy his DNA and grow to be 14 hands!
NO GUARANTEE: the one remaining sound leg could go at any moment
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) Pay twice what
he is worth 2) Are willing to sign a 18 page legal document which allows
current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
RELUCTANT TO SELL: we would prefer to shoot him
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: rider cannot afford to spend anymore time
in the hospital
OFF THE TRACK: is never, ever allowed to return and has a police record
in three states but not New Jersey
GOOD BLOOD LINES: mother and father are also brother and sister!
CLASSICALLY BRED: the only recognizable name is Man O'War six generation's
back
HANDY: broke well, then made a 180 and ran out the gap BEHIND the starting
gate
RACED SOUND: both times he stood in the gate
JUMPING POTENTIAL: jumped the outside rail in a race
NATURAL JUMPER: always jumps out of field. Unfortunately no one has been
able to stay on him for more than a couple of bucks, to determine if he
jumps under saddle
ADULT AMATEUR PROSPECT: stops at anything over 3'9"
GRAND PRIX PROSPECT: jumps great AT HOME
INTERNATIONAL PROSPECT: so foot sore that his only chance may be on soft
turf
WATER SPECIALIST: has laid down in every liverpool and water jump in Europe
EX EVENTER: bowed, big knees
EX TIMBER HORSE: bowed, big knees, fractured patella
GOOD FEET: they had better be, as the farrier has been unable to shoe
her
VET CHECK WELCOME: please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong
with him!
SOUND: responds violently to any noise, even those he makes himself
SLIGHTLY UNEVEN: limps badly
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something REALLY wrong with this horse
MAKES A BIT OF A NOISE: that you can hear from across the track sitting
in a car with the windows up and the radio on full blast
RIDES AND DRIVES: rides in the van and drives us crazy with his kicking
LOADS WELL: however, once on the trailer he will come unglued if you try
to drive anywhere
EXPERIENCED SHIPPER: has experience destroying trailers, vans, and planes;
is best transported by rail or ship
TRANQULIZER ESSENTIAL FOR FLYING: the grooms won't get on the plane with
the horse, unless THEY are tranquilized.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as
he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
Event Prospect..........Big, Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect.......Big, Slow Horse
Hack Prospect...........Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect.......Short, Fast Horse
Eventing Prospect.......Ugliest head you ever saw
Camp Prospect...........Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect......Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy..................White Socks
Attractive............. Bay
15.2hh..................14.3h
16.2hh..................15.3hh
To Loving Home Only.....Expensive
To Show Home Only.......Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider........Potentially Lethal
Elegant.................Thin
In Good Condition.......Foundered
Free Moving.............Bolts
Quiet...................Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet..............Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof). Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children..........Kicks and Bites
Pony Type...............Small and Hairy
Arab Type...............Looks startled
TB Type.................Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type......Fat
Warmblood Type..........Big and Hairy
Draught Type............Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch...........Very Old
Must Sell...............Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered...I am in Traction for 6 months
Reluctant Sale..........Comes with Title Deeds to Sydney Harbor Bridge
Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":
These Horse Ad typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine.
21. Appleloosa for sale.
20. Willingly piaffes & massages.
19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well.
18. Cooked semen available.
17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences.
16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle.
15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!)
14. Rider must sell: horse going to college.
13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive.
12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three
small haddocks.
11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring.
10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home.
9. Registered Hockey Club mare.
8. Super mover-gloats over the ground!
7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle.
6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection.
5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale.
4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands.
3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses.
2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.
And the best Error in a Horse Ad:
1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee.